Dear Meet the Otts Readers,
I just wanted to send this message to let you know how we are handling COVID-19. It has been quite the year-long week of life upsets and changes, and we want you to rest assured that we are handling it all with you in mind. Here are just a few things we are doing to protect you and stay sanitary during this unprecedented crisis.
1. We will not go viral. I assure you, based on past experience, that, no matter what, we will not go viral. Our posts will retain a stalwart readership of around 100 people, well under the recommended number for public gatherings. That is, aside from that one post years ago where we talked about 4-month-sleep-regressions. That one gets 2,000 readers a month and comments at 3AM from harried moms who have not slept for weeks. Besides that one, we are and will remain very underwhelming in our readership.
2. Encouraging you to read alone. We know our fans love to look over one another’s shoulders as they read. We encourage you not to do this. Please stay up late reading this in your beds, or in line at the grocery store, or locked in your bathroom in your 5-minute-break from your children who are somehow suddenly home ALL THE TIME, and finish reading at an appropriate distance from others.
3. Washing hands. I promise you that we have washed our hands until they cracked and bled, so no viruses will be transmitted via the Internet as you read our posts.
4. Phone distancing. We know that you are likely holding your phone within inches of your face while reading now. We encourage you to make the font larger and step away. At least 3 feet away. In fact, maybe put it away for the next 2 hours and tend to the other things you’ve been avoiding in life while you read up on this COVID-19 shtuff. We assure you that when you return in 2 hours, our posts will still be here. Your friends who are angry about grocery lines will still be there. Your 8 million messages about how corporations are handling COVID-19 will still be there.
5. Cleaning our house. We assure you that we are cleaning our house as we always should have been. Or at least, finally, we have decided to become sanitary and want to let you know about it. There are bacteria and viruses everywhere. Did you know that? We didn’t know that. And, just like your favorite restaurant, we now realize and are finally cleaning stuff we never thought about cleaning before. Like the door handle. How many times have we touched this door handle in the last year? A million? Without ever thinking to clean it? Gross. Well, it’s clean now. So, phew. Take that, viruses.
So there you have it. I believe Wally Ben said it best when he was a toddler. We were parking at the grocery store, and I said, “Are you going to be well behaved in there?”
“No,” he replied.
I looked at him. “I need your assurances…”
He looked at me. “I gave you my assurances.”
You now have all of the assurances Meet the Otts has to offer you regarding COVID-19. Thank you for being a Meet the Otts fan. As always, we hope you are taking care of each other and staying healthy during this difficult time.
